What’s this got to do with men, you say? Well, in her first Blade Keeper book, THE HONORABLE THING, (due in 09) the thrilling end comes down to a life or death situation for our hero and heroine, and the hero agrees to a sword fight if his love—the heroine—can go free. He feels this is—in his heart—right and honorable. The heroine, on the other hand, thinks this is crazy, macho posturing and is not about to let her fate rest on a sword fight.
The thing is, I can see both sides of it. This is probably due mainly to Evelyn’s wonderful characterization. But maybe, also, a little due to the fact that I think I’ve finally—after twenty years of marriage, and forty-five years of living, maybe, grown to understand a man’s side of things. Sometimes.
A recent discussion on another loop about writing from the male point of view got me to thinking about how men and women are so different. But I can honestly say I’ve finally come to appreciate and even enjoy that difference. In my twenties my mantra was: “Men: You can’t live with them and you can’t shoot them.” My husband is my opposite in every respect. I’m outgoing. He’s introverted. I’m a feeler—very emotional. He’s a thinker. If you ask him how he’s feeling, he will answer either one of two ways: “Ok, I guess.” Or “I don’t know.” These are NOT emotions, I say. He merely gives me a blank expression. Once, a really traumatic quarrel between us ended abruptly when I finally realized my husband had a completely different definition for a certain word than I had.
One of my CPs is our critique groups’ token “GUY”. She totally gets guys, always hung around with guys, has more guy friends than girls friends, and can usually correct my guy hero’s dialogue with a better “guy” word. And after critiquing with her for almost 6 years, I think I’ve finally learned not to emasculate my heroes too much.
So, why is it that guys have a completely different vocabulary and different definitions for certain words? Remember that movie; WHAT WOMEN WANT? Well, what do MEN want? I’ve heard–and repeated--that joke that if a man doesn’t have a hard on, make him a sandwich. But is that all they want? Food or sex?
I decided to use this excuse—er…opportunity to ask a man a few questions I’ve always wondered about. Here is what he said.
JB: Have you ever been having a discussion on a certain subject with a woman and not understood what she was saying at all? Or realized you were talking about two completely different things?
PM: Is the sun warm?
Let's see, at the ballpark...[Me] the next batter is called the clean-up hitter, [Her] does he do those field goal thingies? Duh. Or, at the mall...[Me] "Doesn't 'a new pair of shoes' mean ONE pair? We've been here fifteen minutes already." [Her] "Do you really think the bride's mother will wear light blue in February? I mean, her husband IS an attorney." Seriously...every man has those moments, and when he does, something in HIS head short circuits. His eyes glaze, his pulse slows and all the white boards in his brain look freshly erased. Fortunately, in the mall you can walk him past Victoria's Secret a few times and re-start his breathing. Every young boy should receive his first tattoo, somewhere in clear view on his arm. Whenever one of those moments happens, he should be taught to just look down and read..."RELATIONSHIPS"...in bright red letters. Then, just like his Dad, he could shrug, burp, and go on with life.
JB: Do you feel like you understand what a woman is ‘really’ saying?
PM: Sure. All the time.
Let's see...while driving to the mall:
[Me] I'm hungry...what about you?
[Her] Do you think the team bus will stop for lunch?
[Me] Huh?
[Her] Jimmy didn't eat any breakfast. I don't want him to starve. [pause] She never came home at all last night?
[Me] (breaking hard to avoid the curb) Sissy was out
all night? Kurt's dead!
[Her] (...rolling eyes) No, silly...the Morgans'
dog...Betsy...I told you last night. It's Chico. Why don't you pay attention?
[Me] What?!!
[Her] Chico...he's her new boyfriend...she stopped seeing Kurt last week. But, I'm not sure if she'll be here next weekend, or not.
[Me] Betsy? Or, Sissy?
[Her] My mother...she has to work.
[Me] Umm...I thought we were talking about...
[Her] He's getting a new car. Me, too. Chinese would be nice.
[Me] (entering the McDonald's drive-thru) Uh...
Chico's getting a new car? [white boards again]
[Her] He's only a freshman, silly. It's my uncle Herman. [frowning at the yellow arches] You never listen to me.
See...clear as mud. What's not to understand?
JB: What DO men want?
PM: Years ago men hunted with other men. They had to eat, so they learned to compete. If they talked, the game ran away. So they learned to be silent. Besides, if they complained to the other men, the answer was a cold, "Whatever."
When the hunt concluded, the men either came home a winner, expecting a reward. :) Or, they came home empty-handed, certain that they were the world's worst loser. But, they still wanted the reward. :)
Meanwhile, back at camp, the women sewed, cooked and searched for roots and berries. It was B-O-R-I-N-G.
So, they began to talk amongst themselves. They also learned that constant chatter kept the fierce wild animals away. So they talked, and talked and talked.
Eventually, one of them, a maiden named Kos Metics, accidentally splattered boiled deer blood on her cheeks. But, lo and behold, her man actually seemed to like it. In fact at night, he would move closer to her and try to lick it off. Soon, all the woman were wearing deer blood, berry mash or some other such potion in an attempt to lure the men.
The men enjoyed the goo licking, but they were suddenly inundated with verbal chatter. You guessed it, white boards again.
Today, a man wants exactly what he did all those centuries ago. He wants to be respected for his efforts to compete. He wants to avoid chatter. He's willing to lick gooey cheeks occasionally, but he couldn't care less who wears which goo. He also doesn't care who is not licking goo, or who is licking somebody else's goo, or what the other women are
saying about it.
Whether he brings home the game or not...he still wants the reward occasionally.
JB: What attracts you to a particular woman?
PM: That's easy. Her make-up. NOT!
The real answer is sex, ego, cooking, acceptance and sports...in some order. Every man is different,
SEX YESSSSS!!! It's...well...you know. [cheeks
burning] It's hard...to talk about...with a woman, I mean. But, did God really create it so we'd talk about it?
Do men talk about it? Sure. No matter what they say to each other, it has one of two messages. It's either, "I'm better than you.", or "I got it,...you didn't."
EGO The Bible says a man should LOVE his woman.
But, it says that a woman should RESPECT her man. It does NOT mean a woman should be beneath her man in stature. It just means that if she's smart, she'll make sure his ego is always primed for success.
Whether true or not, a man needs to feel that he's in control. A smart woman helps a man make the decisions
SHE wants.
COOKING This a tough one for many women, especially
in the days of fast food and microwaves. Many young
women today have no desire to slave in the kitchen.
That's okay. Just keep him fed.
See, truth be told...until his Mama is with the angels, you'll NEVER be a better cook than her.
Asking him if your cooking is better, is akin to asking him if you look thinner. The answer is always a qualified, fingers-crossed-behind-the-back, winking...YES!
ACCEPTANCE Don't laugh. What you really think matters to us. And, it's okay to tell us...once.
You see...believe it or not...we know that we're just men. Our plumbing isn't as complicated as yours. Our wiring isn't either. We can't build babies, or casseroles, or guest lists. Our makeup consists of two swipes with deodorant stick...maybe.
On a good day, the lawn doesn't need cutting, nobody needs to borrow against their allowance, our favorite team is playing in prime time...and it isn't blacked out. We haven't heard woulda, coulda, shoulda or honey-do. Best of all...you forgave our latest bout of maleness! Thank you!
SPORTS We don't care if you're not a sports fan, any more than a gladiator worried that his woman might not understand the throat slash technique. Hmmm...let me think about that. :(
What matters is...the rules:
1. Dinner is NEVER served during the game, unless the television can be seen from my chair.
2. Conversation is only allowed during bad commercials. We determine the definition of "bad".
3. If our team loses, uninterrupted cave time is mandatory...and very wise.
JB: What turns you off of a woman?
PM:Touchy subject, isn't it? Wow! This is only my humble opinion, but...she does.
God designed us to be naturally attracted to women. I mean, women are warm and soft, they have intuition, they smell good, they laugh at our jokes...and apologize if we weren't really trying to be funny.
They can give us babies...and clean up after them...and make us feel like we did something good when we played with them.
So...why change something that works?
Don't put too many coats of paint on what was already attractive, regardless of what "Kos Metics" said.
After all, we know the external "pretty" will fade.
We're more interested in the perpetual beauty inside
of you.
Unless you were born with male plumbing, don't try to become one. A man wants to be the man, whether he's good at it or not. Definitely don't tell others about his failings, especially with him next to you. And, when you're on the verge of filling his tank with fresh verbage, remember his diminished capacity. If his tank overflows, he shuts off.
Sometimes, the best thing to do for a man is NOTHING!
If you do his work for him...or get between him and the kids...or try to convince him about something he doesn't want to understand...he'll turn off emotionally. And, never, never, never say, "I told you so!"
I know it's strange...but if you try to force yourself into his life...it won't work. Instead, just be around him, and enjoy your life. Try to learn what makes him tick. His own natural desires will pull you
into his world.
A man doesn't want a manager, leader, critic, advisor or chastizer. What he desparately needs is...a best friend.
JB: What is your idea of the perfect day?
PM: I win. I get my surprise. I don't hear about relational difficulties, whether in real life or on the tube. Of course, a young woman stopping me in public to tell me she thinks I'm "hot" is nice, too.
I won't believe it...but I'll tell the other guys about it!
Honestly,...(how do I admit this without losing my Male Card?)...if I go to bed, surprise or not, and my wife's looks and words and actions tell me that she truly feels loved...I AM a man!
JB: IS the way to a man’s heart through his stomach like my mother always said?
PM: Ages 1-12: YES
Ages 13-25: That's about a foot too high---PS...wear your seat belt, and don't believe anything the young men say!
Ages 25-65: Concentrate on the stomach, heart and brain---they're all connected, and they all have needs that only YOU can fill.
Ages 65 and up: The brain slows down, the stomach needs less attention, and a warm hug gradually becomes the most desired reward.
You also discover that both of you have secretly been giving thanks for each day you have together. :)
Suddenly, it all seems worth it!
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